This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
