Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
