So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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