what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
That's how pantless uber rides happen
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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