Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Someone signed my nipple.
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