how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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