You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
