if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
