Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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