Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
