You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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