U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
