Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
