I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
