god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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