you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
