I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize