I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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