She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
