I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
