so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
