and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And then my night got REAL pukey
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
