we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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