Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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