True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
