Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Randomize
