Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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