apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
