sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
