i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
