i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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