Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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