After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
