I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
