hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
