Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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