Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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