there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
