i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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