i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
