we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
