Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize