im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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