fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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