don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
