Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
