hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
