hotel room ftw
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
