I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
pray to the hookup gods
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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