im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
