I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
