Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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