Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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