Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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