Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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