Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
