I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize