I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
