My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
