You smell like a Billy Joel song
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize