I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize